2012-13 Uncovered: Saturday 18th August - You'll Find It In The Direct 'Ricay

   'First day of the season'.  The papers and telly were full of it.  You must be joking.  Being going for over a month now.  I'm already feeling like a seasoned campaigner.  And the Euros on the back of that and it doesn't feel like there's been a break at all. 

   Mind you, seeing England play was a welcome break from watching football.  Settling for penalties in the pre-match kick-around against Italy made me yearn for the silky skills of Billericay.

   That last comment wasn't entirely ironic.  Yes, they are direct, and yes, the two worst games I saw last season involved them and Hornchurch.  But hey, the two promoted sides were that pair.  And with the likes of Harrison Chatting in their ranks, 'Ricay weren't exactly averse to playing some eye-pleasing stuff.

   It's just that if you have the likes of Chris Wild and Rob Swaine in the side, so strong and so good in the air, it would be daft not to play to your strengths.  And when you're chasing promotion, it's results first, sexy football second.  Winning the Ryman Premier title and promotion to the Conference South gave them one giant orgasm anyway.

   So, on this historic day, Town's first at Conference South level, Chipper and I turned up at New Lodge to relay the fun for the waiting masses.  Or mass, depending if the one listener was Catholic or not. 

   Speaking of which, if there is a God, he must be one.  Another injury time Celtic equaliser.  But still, Ross County unbeaten for over a year in the league.  Perhaps He's Presbyterian.  A sobering thought if Gordon Brown is made in His image.

   I digress.  A roaring hot day and through the gates.  You can tell it's big league stuff.  I had to write my name and everything on a proper form.  Last year it was "I'm from the radio" "Fine, in you go."  Still, the gateman was a cheery as ever, as well as the programme fella.  I think it's because they were anticipating an easy win.

   Their opponents were having a slightly less easy time of it than the now defunct Rangers.  Truro City were sharing a season ticket with Southend United at the High Court for some cosy chats with HMRC.  Other creditors were knocking on the door, just as unpaid players were trying to open it to get out of there.  If gong to football was a gas, then someone's farted on Cornwall.

   The teams came out to what I thought was a surprisingly low crowd.  I know it's the summer holidays and that, but as it was a historic day in the club's history, I thought more would make the effort.  There were 1,100 there for a game last Boxing Day.  The sparseness of the terrace and seats told its own story.  402.

   It included a handful of visiting supporters, who had made the long trek north-eastwards.  Beer bellies and being shirtless don't mix with blokes at the football.  Particularly when they have bigger tits than Jodie Marsh.

   There was a reassuring familiarity to it all, though.  The home supporters quickly onto the linesman's and ref's backs over perceived wrong decisions.  And a goal from a corner.  After a lot of faffing and stuff, it comes in on the left, and Chris Wild heads home.  The only reason Rob Swaine didn't get it was he was sitting up with us, still injured.

   Billericay take control, create chances, both from set pieces and neat open play, but Truro miss the easiest chance.  Home keeper Jay Larkins kicks the ball straight to their forward, who unmarked somehow misses from inside the area.  Chortle.

   The game's not up to much cop but Billericay's winning.  Yep, that familiar feeling again.

   But then it all changes.  A few minutes in, Truro attack on the right, a centre comes in, Chris Wild scuffs his clearance, and he becomes the Conference South's leading scorer by equalising for the Cornishmen.  2 goals for Wild.  1-1.

   It gets worse.  A Town free kick, there's a bit of pushing and shoving in the area.  The ref warns them.  It carries on after the kick goes harmlessly wide, and Jay May needlessly gets involved with the Truro defender, who obviously goes down quicker than Natasha Giggs in a players lounge.  Sent off.  Down to 10 men, in searing heat, against a side whose equalised and have their tails up.  Oops.

   I mention on the radio that there only looks like one winner but that Billericay made a habit of winning against the odds last season with players sent off.  I can still feel the splinters up my backside from the fence I was sitting on at the time.

   Truro come forward, some ridiculous defending, an easy chance, and some ridiculous shooting.  Still 1-1.  As the minutes tick by, Truro players go down and stay down for some innocuous knocks me with mocks by the home fans.  All I needed was a stereotypical joke about Cornwall and smocks and it would've been some super alliteration.

   As it happens, there was a super, spiffing, fizzing finish.  A break down the left, in comes a low centre, and an easy tap-in from six yards.  But for who?  Surely you can tell, seeing as the goal came from decent play?  Well, no you can't.  The Town fans go wild.  Truro players sink to their knees.

   It was cruel.  But that's football.  Oh, so familiar.  Oh, so nice.  Give it to me baby, the PA was blaring out.  They gave it to us alright.  Eventually.  A slow burner on the hottest day of the year.

   Billericay Town 2,  Truro City 1